So now that I've put this off for a really long time, I thought I would share an email that my grandpa sent to the family. For just a little background information, my sweet grandmother, Karen, passed away in November 2014. My grandma and I got a long really well. When I was little her and I would play Kings Quest IV for hours. We would suggest TV shows for each other all the time. We were good buddies.
My grandpa, Robert, has always been a hero of mine. He is by far one of the smartest people I've ever met. We used to joke how he had read the dictionary, but I actually think it's true. He is also hilarious! He has the best jokes, even if some are a little off-color (hey, he grew up in a different time). He was always the best husband to my grandma, despite some of the funny lines that may seem rude ("Do you want me to put a broom on my butt and sweep the floor while I'm at it?"). They were the type of relationship that I hope I have when I'm that age, and even now.
They were the type of people that would take in any animal, especially cats and dogs. I always remember my grandpa working out in his yard or his garden with two or three dogs following him around.
My grandpa titled this email "Some Regrets." As far as I could tell, my grandpa was a perfect gentleman to my grandma, so the fact he regrets anything he did blows my mind.
My grandparents and I the night I was set apart as a missionary in 2010.
Here is the email -- BTW - Zoe was one of their many dogs.
"Whenever I make the drive between Salt Lake and St George I recall happier times when Grammy and Zoe were with me. It happens every time, whether north or southbound. Sometimes the weather will trigger a memory, or wildlife alongside the road. Perhaps a song will come up on the CD player. . .you get the idea.
For some reason this recent return trip was especially poignant. I like to think that it was inspiration; you decide for yourself, but I felt a strong prompting that I should share my impressions with those that I love most. That's a prerogative of being the patriarch of my family.
We would amuse ourselves in many ways for the long drive. (Remember, Grammy would get all stressed out over 65 MPH!) Karen and I would talk about the passing scene, or current events. Our family was often our source of long talks. We would be really serious, or maybe just silly. (Sometimes I would try to entertain her with with silly comments: Paragonah? It was originally named by some pretty tough settlers who called it “Pair of gonads.” “ Parawan? How can you have a pair of one?”) Almost invariably I would arrive at our destination feeling closer to her---a tangible “warm” feeling.
The point that I want get to is that we were cooped up together in our car for four hours or more. So we would talk. We got to know one another pretty well on those long drives. I think that talking builds a deeper love than gifts and such. Sometimes you get a peek into the other persons soul.
Then when we were back home the old routine would take over: Watching TV, reading books, yard work, Church callings, etc. You can't have a meaningful conversation during the commercials. (Now we have screens on our phones, and our laptops and tablets. So we don't have to make eye contact anymore, we can just just text each other or use social media.)
We don't talk anymore, unless it is to share a U Tube clip for a laugh. Or talk about some movie or TV show that is all make believe! Or sporting events, which are real, but not relevant to our daily lives
I believe that we need eye contact, verbal communication and tactile contact (hold hands) often, more often than daily, maybe twenty times a day. And if you can't hold hands you can still touch the other person on the hand or shoulder or cheek
Often in the evening we would be watching TV or doing “our own thing,” and Karen would challenge me to “say something!” My typical comment would be that as soon as I have something to say, I''ll say it. (Or something similar.)
Now I know that she was dying for the things I just mentioned, and I was oblivious! When I think about it I will weep and feel deep regret, even shame, for my insensitivity. I thought that I was doing a pretty good job of taking care of her, and I wasn't even meeting her basic needs! To figure that out after she is gone only compounds the pain and regret.
Now you can dismiss this little epistle as the rantings of a lonely old man, and maybe it is. But maybe there is a touch of wisdom buried in there somewhere. Maybe you can benefit from the regrets of one who truly wishes he could have another go at it, but who knows there are no replays.
So at least give these words a moment of consideration and maybe you can avoid the same regrets, because if you are lucky, you too will some day be aged, and half of you will know what I mean: you will be in a similar position.
So begin by turning off those damned screens every day for at least an hour or two, when you are together. Include the kids. Learn how to express yourself verbally, with eye contact. And an occasional smile or a caress or two. Or both. And listen to what the other person says, and what they meant! Anybody who has had any sales training know how important it is to really listen. Is there a better way to invest your time? To be sure, some of my choicest memories are those “insignificant moments” of real human interaction with the person that I have chosen to for my eternal companion.
Maybe you are way ahead of me on all this, and have a strong and open dialog often. If so, that's wonderful, if not, try to see beyond my poor abilities to make a point, and ask the Lord for guidance.
Come to think of it, that's a pretty good idea under any circumstance.
Love.
Dad/Grampy"
